The Fear of Being Worthless

A hope towards light.

 

We do not study because we want to become something; we study out of fear of becoming nothing.

Whenever he tries to close his eyes, he finds himself worrying about his own existence. It feels as if his whole world is slowly crumbling, and he becomes fearful of being nothing. Life has continuously thrown him away, yet every time, he gathers the broken pieces of himself and stands again. He often worries about what will happen to him in the future, and these constant thoughts slowly drag him into the abyss of darkness. The fear of being labeled worthless, the uncertainty about the future, and the uneasy feelings inside him never truly leave his mind.

At his twenties, he is still unsure of what the future holds for him. When he sees people of his age working white-collar jobs and moving ahead in life, he feels as though he is falling behind in the world’s race. It is not that he does not know how to get such a job; it is simply that he does not want to throw himself into the same cycle that average people are already following. Like a mouse endlessly running on a wheel, people continue running until they grow tired, only to wake up and run again.

What he truly wants from life is simple: a peaceful morning where he can wake up without anxiety, without worrying about reaching an office exactly at 8 or 9, and without carrying the burden of unfinished expectations. He does not want to live under constant pressure, to be scolded for things beyond his control, or to slowly become the worst version of himself because of exhaustion and disappointment.

These days, it feels as if the joy inside him is fading away. He only feels alive when he speaks his mind; otherwise, he feels trapped inside a cage, as if no one is there to truly listen to what he has to say. He used to enjoy living alone, but now he has become attached to the people he sees every day, and he cannot imagine life feeling the same without them. Every year, new people enter his life, and he begins to think that life would become impossible if one day they left. Yet eventually, they do leave, and life somehow continues. The emptiness remains only for a while before someone new enters and replaces that void, and the cycle repeats itself again and again.

He is the kind of person who does not like asking others for help. No matter how hard life hits him, he tries to face it with a smile and never lets his problems defeat him openly. Sometimes, he does not even know how to react properly. There are moments when he should be serious, yet he bursts into laughter, and moments when he should cry, yet no tears come out. He gets caught easily whenever he lies, and he constantly tries to hide his feelings from everyone around him. He dislikes sharing his problems because he believes some battles are better fought silently within oneself. He avoids asking others personal questions so that, in return, they will not ask him about his own life.

At night, whenever he tries to close his eyes, his mind refuses to let him sleep. It fills itself with every possible worry in the world. The harder he tries to force himself to sleep, the stronger these thoughts become. Sometimes, the only way he can calm himself is by writing everything down on paper, allowing the feelings trapped inside him to escape for a while. He usually does not show emotions openly, but when the volcano inside him erupts, every suppressed feeling bursts out all at once.

Perhaps others feel the same way too. But no matter how much people smile on the outside, no one can truly know what storms another person is carrying inside their heart.

Maybe life is not about having everything figured out at twenties. Maybe some people are meant to walk through uncertainty longer than others, searching for a meaning they themselves cannot fully explain. He does not know where life will take him, or whether the fears inside him will ever completely disappear, but somewhere deep inside, he still carries the hope that one day he will wake up with peace in his heart instead of heaviness in his mind. Until then, he will continue collecting the broken pieces of himself, silently fighting battles no one sees, and moving forward even on the days when he feels lost within his own thoughts.

As said by someone:

Life is coming from you not at you and its take time.

 

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